Oblivion

Ladies (and hopefully guys too), we all know when the beautiful Augustus Waters admits to what he's afraid of in The Fault In Our Stars.   

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Oblivion. The unknown. And other than being a perfect match for one another, that's the other thing we share in common. I myself, fear oblivion. You see, I'm kind of (very much so) a control freak. And no, not the Christian Grey control freak type. 

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Because of what I deal with everyday, the disordered part of my head likes to be 110% in control at all times, and when that control is taken from me...hold onto your hats, because it's not pretty. 

I'm not afraid to admit I'm a perfectionist. But being a perfectionist also has its obsessions. I make sure my nutrition hits the exact numbers it needs to every single day. I make sure I never miss a workout. I make sure I am in constant control of trying to control what my body looks like. Realistic? It shouldn't be, but I am a control freak. 

This brings me to the main topic of this post. In a nutshell, my future is about to change. Tomorrow morning, I will step onto the powerlifting platform to show the world what I've been working at for months now. Being the only raw powerlifter in the whole meet, the pressure is piled on like a ton of bricks. My feelings are splattered all over the place, and to be completely honest, I need to pull my head out of my butt. Conveniently (she says with extreme sarcasm), the last few days have been quite suck-ish. I haven't been allowed to train this week, I've had to eat the same calories I eat when I do train even though I didn't train this week, and well, it has equaled a recipe for disaster. It's equaled to my confidence being in the toilet, feeling unmotivated, and being a complete victim to the voices in my head.

I'm revamping that recipe starting now

I know that if I continue to let Ed sit in the driver's seat, I will not succeed tomorrow, I will not qualify for state, and I will have let him win AGAIN. I've let him win the last 6 years of my life. Tomorrow, it's my turn. 

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Speaking of tomorrow... holy crap. 

Tomorrow I will be faced with the three C's of life. Choice, chance, and change.  I will make the choice to fuel my body with the delicious (and most likely in cookie form) noms. I will take a chance to face the unknown. I will be the driving factor that will change my life. 

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Tomorrow, I will make the choice to take chance to show the world that I can make a change

As I write this to you still snuggeled in my sea of fuzzy animal print blankets bed, I realize that I learned a lot this week.

  1. My love for Lenny & Larry cookies have grown tremendously. (Seriously, if you haven't tried these babies...please do, because you may consider making them a new staple in your life)
  2. I need to focus on making lifting and overall fitness a part of my life, and not my whole life.  With having to take it light this entire week, I learned that my mind does not cope well with not getting my usual training sessions in. One of my goals for 2016 is to still make fitness a priority, but not the only thing that I do. 
  3. I love to read. I forgot how much I do enjoy reading. In a state of pure boredom, I found myself reaching for my book shelf and grabbing a book that I absolutely had to have but never even ended up reading the first page, and actually getting lost in it a little bit. 
  4. I need to get to bed earlier. Because 4-5 hours of sleep just doesn't quite fit the bill. 
  5. I am ready. 

I am ready for tomorrow (besides the fact I have nothing packed, no idea what to bring food wise, and have yet to submerge from my bed).  I've been working my booty off for months for tomorrow. 

9 chances. 9 chances to show the world who the heck I am. 9 chances to show myself that this is the path I'm meant to take. Even though I questioned the path I'm on more times than I can count this week, I woke up this morning knowing I took a turn down right way street. As nervous as I may be (and as much as I don't want to wake up at 4 a.m.), I can't wait for tomorrow. 

Here we go.   

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