"Every day is a new beginning. Every day gives opportunity to make yourself better and better, to do something good and prove your self worth." -anonymous
As cliche as that quote sounds, it is so true. There are 365 pages in a book, your book. It really is up to you to decide how each page of that book will turn out. This is something that I really need to start practicing.
The last month of my life has been anything but peaceful. Stressful doesn't even cover a fraction of it. My family is grieving over the recent loss of my mom's dad, and it has taken quite a toll on my family, both physically and mentally. It's obviously been hardest on my mom. If you know me, you know that me and my mom are the best of friends. She's the peanut butter to my jelly, the macaroni to my cheese, the best to my friend, (and I could really ramble on with those cheesy comparisons, but I think you get the point). When she's sad, I'm sad. Seeing her in the state she has been in for the last month or so...absolutely broke my heart. I would've given anything just to see her smile that beautiful, pearly white smile of hers.
I mean, just look at her. She's absolutely flawless.
Since me and my mom are so close, naturally I go to her with every thought and feeling that enters my mind. I knew she didn't need any added stress lately, so I decided to just keep my mouth shut and bottle everything up inside of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Baaaaaad idea.
Everyone deals with their stress in different ways. Mine just so happens to be listening to my eating disorder again. Obviously it's not a very healthy way of dealing with stress, but it's the easiest route to go. So yes, mentally I did relapse. All the things I thought I had overcome suddenly became a struggle again. Scared to eat on my own, constant distorted body image, negative thoughts, just all the things that make up Ed. I dreaded going to the gym. I was only going just so I could let myself eat.
And then I received the email. An email from the woman I looked up to, the woman who changed my life for the better, and showed me how strong I could be. It wasn't an email that helped me stand back up either. It was an email that knocked me down harder than I could've ever imagined. My trainer and fitness coach very unexpectedly decided to drop me as a client. I won't go into detail explaining her reasoning, because it's between me and her. I did not take this lightly. This hit me like a fricken train. No no no, not even a train. Like a...okay I don't even know but harder than a train. I felt walked out on, given up on, and just emotionally crushed. This was the factor that changed my life for the last 6 months, and for it to completely disappear in the blink of an eye was just a nightmare for me. When I went to sleep that night, I was just hoping that I would wake up and she would still be my coach.
But that wasn't reality. Reality was that I was on my own again. I crawled into my bed and didn't come out for days. No gym, no contact with people, nothing.
As the sun rose this morning and my alarm clock went off for work, I thought to myself,
"What is laying in bed all day, throwing myself a pity party going to do? Is it going to make me stronger? Make me lift heavier? No. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get your ass out of bed, go make a chocoholic breakfast, and go lift some heavy shit." (Well, and Ben & Jerry's doesn't deliver yet, soooo...) ;)
So I did just that. I made a noms-noms (is that a word? no? well it is now) breakfast, got my gym clothes on, slipped on my lifting gloves, and set off to the gym. And lemme tell ya, I went hard. I took all my anger, all my emotions, and pushed it right to my legs...and murdered em'. Literally. Like, blood was shed (damn box jumps).
I didn't even wipe off the blood, because it made me look like a bad ass.
So Lauryn, what's the next page in your book look like?
Well, it's not a page. It's a whole new chapter. I'm not sure what it's going to look like, but I do know this. I'm more determined than ever to show everyone that I can do this. I can take my bad days and learn from them. I can lift heavy when I fuel my body properly (S/O to all those carbs). I can move forward without someone telling me when I can and can't have treat meals. I can improve myself, day by day.
But most importantly, I can show not only to others, but myself that this disorder will no longer define me.
WAIT. I take that back.
Most importantly, I will demolish a pint of Ben and Jerry's tonight. Even if I already treated myself to 3 plates of dessert earlier this week. Because you know what? Life is too damn short. And let's be honest here, Ben and Jerry's requires no explanation. :)
I saved the best part for last.
Grandpa, shoot some hoop, eat some pecan pie, and watch some Fox News up there. Physically, you may be gone. Spiritually, you are here eternally.
I love you more than you'll ever know.