Shoulds & Coulds

Tonight was a bad night. I admit it. 

Yesterday was a bad day. I admit it.

This week was a bad week. I admit it. 

I'm not afraid to admit that I've been down in the dumps lately, and am letting my mind get the best of me. This storm seems like it's lasted eons, and I just want it to be over. I haven't been a very strong warrior lately, and it shows. 

I admit that I often hesitate posting things like I am in this post, or a physical progress picture because someone will think, "I would think for as much as she is into health and fitness, she'd be more lean". Or that I'm not lean enough to have people trust me and the work I put in and out of the gym. (A/N: Saying this out loud as I proofread this post, sounds ridiculous. And it truly is). 

Now, before you say, "Uh what dah hay, Lauryn, you always say to just love yourself and all that you are"...

I know I always say that. (Duh)

I know I'm always one for being body-positive, and loving yourself exactly as you are...but friends, Lauryn also isn't afraid to admit that she isn't very good at practicing what she preaches all the time. So instead of giving you a post that's all about how I try to focus on loving yourself, I'm going to give you a real, raw, current feels, crying in the moment post. 

Do you ever find yourself scrolling through social media, stumbling upon someone you admire look-wise, and end up insta-stalking them till the beginning of their feed?

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Yeeeeeeah, we've all done it. I do it all too often. I find someone that I admire, awe over their lean body, doubt myself that I could never look like that or lift as much as her. I then proceed to compare every inch of my body, to hers. I begin to ponder, "what am I doing wrong, that I don't look like that?" 

Then all of the negative thoughts overwhelm me. I body check myself, examine every curve, bump, and inch of my body, staring at the features I think should be "leaner". Ed's voice is pretty dominant at this point, and I have officially moved to the backseat in my mind.

"Think of how you're going to feel when you are leaner. All that hard earned muscle will show, and you can wear anything you want without feeling self conscious. Just a mini-cut. That's all you'll do. We have done longer cuts before Lauryn, and you made it. Cutting your calories a bit will give you everything you want. You got this."

Tonight I was DEAD SET on going on a cut. I wasn't going to have the full snack that I was going to eat tonight (which was more like a mini-Thanksgiving, but I mean hello, that's every night). I was going to start cutting (A/N: When I say "cut" or "cutting", I do NOT mean the self harm kind of cutting. I mean the cutting phase of a diet, aka a fat loss stage). But after a good cry, the help of a support system that continues to be there for me at any moment, and deep breaths....

I'm going to be okay.

I'm not going to go on a cut. I'm going to have my full snack tonight (I have a Reese's snack mix, so no explanation needed there). And I'm not going to go to a mirror the rest of the night. But most importantly, I'm not going to throw myself a pity party anymore. 

Could I be leaner? Sure. But why does a could have to turn into a should?  

Pros of going on a cut:

-I could potentionally feel better about my self-image

........... 

Thats all, folks. 

Cons of going on a cut:

-I don't want to in the first place. I was on a cutting diet for all of my youth. 

-I'm trying to get stronger in the gym. Not stay where I'm at, or even lose gains. 

-The feeling of it never being enough. I know that I'm not at a point in recovery where if I were to lose weight in a healthy manner, I wouldn't know when to stop.  

-Increased anxiety around food, social gatherings, ect; because it doesn't fit my "cutting" macros.

If I (notice how I said I, not Ed) were to really think deep, hard, and for hours about this, I can tell you that the list above would be a hell of a lot longer, but for blogging sake, I'll leave it there. 

I need to to learn to accept myself at all stages. So if I can't accept myself now, what makes me think that I'll accept myself at a leaner state? I won't. If I were to go on a cut right now, I won't accept myself at a goal weight because my mind will not be satisfied. I need to fix my mental well being before making any kind of adjustments to me life that will change my physique purposely.  

The truth is, the most important component of any diet, whether that diet be losing, maintaining, or gaining, is not the food or exercise. It's your mind. Your mental well being. I notice that on days I'm feeling good, Ed is quiet, and I'm positive, I feel okay with how I look and where I'm at in my journey. On days where all of that is the opposite, I question every move I make. 

NEWSFLASH ED. Just because I'm not shredded, doesn't mean I should go on a cut. Just because my stomach folds when I bend over, doesn't mean I'm not fit. Just because my abs aren't there all the time, doesn't mean I should lose weight. So take a hike.

As I wrap up this post, I want you all to do something for me. Think about if you really need to turn your "coulds" into "shoulds", and if doing so would truly benefit you and your overall health. Recognize the difference. It might take a few good cries, rainstorms, and pity parties to see them...but when you learn to recognize them, a weight is lifted from your shoulders. 

So I will end on the note that I am going to go eat my Reese's snack mix now. I SHOULD eat this, because I COULD be eating the most delicious bag of snack mix on the planet.

Logic. ;-)  

(UPDATE: I wrote this post last night, and it was the best damn snack mix known the man. The end).  

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