The First Last Day

I don't care how old I am; I will always have butterflies dancing around in my stomach the night before the first day of school. However this year, these butterflies are throwing a rager party in my belly days before the first day is even here. I've been anticipating this day for years, and now that it's here, I wish I could put it on pause for just a while longer.

I can't believe it. I literally cannot grasp the fact that I am a senior. Me, Lauryn. A big dog at PHS; the highest upperclassmen; a senior.

*gulps*

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You know the future is really happening when you start to become scared. And I am scared. In fact, I'm more than scared. I'm nervous/excited/afraid all jam-packed into one emotion. I'm like, pre-stressed out about the stress that the stress of senior year will dawn upon me. Just like Augustus Waters, I fear oblivion. I mean, if you think about it...that's what senior year really is. 180 days of the unknown. People always tell you all this stuff about what happens/what to expect during senior year...senior pictures, college applications, scholarships, senior skip day, exams, and all the final hoo-rah's and stresses this year will bring. But what they don't tell you is how to mentally prepare for each and every one of these days and events. My philosophy? I truly believe that life is what you make it (also learned from the many many MANY times my momma preached this philosophy to me). I am the first one to know that if you wake up in the morning and automatically decide you're going to have a crappy day...well guess what, you're going to have a pretty crappy day. If you've set your mental state to a negative approach to today, (and if you're stubborn like me), nothing will change it until you decide differently. I'm not perfect, I have days where yes, I do decide it's going to be a crappy day. But hey, I'm only human, and I am perfectly imperfect. 

So many people overload their plates their senior year, only because they think that this year has to be the year they decide what path they're going to walk on for the rest of their life. The truth is, there is no deadline on deciding what is the right path for you (I mean, you don't want to wait till you're in a nursing home to decide you want to become a lawyer either, but ya know what I mean!). Say you've reached graduation day and you don't know what you want to choose as a career. Guess what? It's okay. Say you're not certain on which college to attend halfway through senior year. It's still okay. Everyone thinks that at this point in our lives, we have to have the rest of our lives figured out. It's okay to be indecisive. What's not okay is to be hard on yourself for not taking all of the advanced classes, having a full schedule, and not knowing what salary your future occupation will bring you. Wouldn't you rather wait till you find your true passion, rather than rush into something you're conflicted about just to meet society's "standards"? I know I would, and I am. Create your own definition of success.

As I picked out my first last day of school outfit today, I decided instead of dressing up and trying to put together an outfit to portray me as something I'm not...I'm going to go as myself. Lauryn, the indecisive senior who may or may not be wearing workout clothes everyday to school; the senior who isn't completely certain about what she wants to do with the rest of her life; the senior who never thought she'd make it to her senior year.

 No one really understands how much senior year truly means to me. I've gone from being too physically weak to even get up to go to school, to attending half days, to now living the school days till their fullest. I wasn't supposed to make it to my senior year. I wasn't supposed to make it this far. Hell, I wasn't supposed to make it, period. But here I am, about to begin the final stretch. Here I am, the healthiest and happiest I have ever been. 

So my fellow senior classmates, here's to one hell of a year. Here's to all stages of senioritis. Here's to the future. 

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